The brilliant songwriter Tim Minchin once penned the lyric, “I really like Christmas. It’s sentimental, I know, but I just really like it.” My sentiments exactly, Tim. The song goes on to mirror my exact feelings regarding the holiday season: “and yes, I have all of the usual objections to consumerism, to the commercialization of an ancient religion,” and so on. But, at the end of the day, despite all of Christmas’s flaws, Tim and I both, quote, “still really like it.” Because what kind of horrible Grinch of a human being could possibly hate Christmas?
My holiday season has been a bit shit, if I’m being perfectly honest. I’ve been sick since before Thanksgiving. Isolated from family and friends, unwell, and unable to celebrate the season the way that I want to–I’m growing Grinchier by the day. Most days I feel like I’m one bad vibe away from hauling my little bungalow up to the top of Mount Crumpit to live alone with my dog in bitter exile forever. (Because, let’s be real, I’d make an excellent recluse, but I’m forever too bougie to willingly live in a cave, so the little bungalow would have to remain my home.)
I know that my current lack of positive outlook isn’t exactly helping my situation. I know that there’s no ‘right way’ to celebrate Christmas; so feeling like I’m ‘missing out’ on things is because of my own self-imposed, messed up, limiting views of the holiday. But, dude, I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and I just want to ice skate, grab a festive drink at Miracle on Jefferson, hug my loved ones, and stuff myself full of warm gingerbread cake until I’m near bursting. Instead, I’m glued to my sofa most days, living on crackers and Jewish penicillin and hate-watching bad Christmas rom-coms. I know Christmas is really just another day of the year. I know that the magic of Christmas can come any time. (I once celebrated it in July with an ex-boyfriend.) But, that doesn’t stop me from being heartbroken that I’m not having the holiday season that I want to have because of my own health.
Christmas is the perfect time of year for wine and media pairings–and I desperately wanted to enjoy and share my favorites with everyone! Every day this month, I’ve been opening (but not consuming) the fanciest wine advent calendar I’ve ever seen–it’s torture. I had planned to do festive tasting videos and reviews to share online, but obviously the universe had other plans for me. Because of all this, what I really want to do is cry, “Bah-Humbug” and pout on my sofa until Christmas quietly passes me by without any fanfare. But I better not pout and I better not cry, because there is one Christmas movie that I need to write about this holiday season or I will forever regret my Grinchiness and, honestly, I’m scared that if I don’t write this then there’s a strong possibility that three weird ghosts will visit me in the night–I don’t know, I don’t make the rules. So, even though I’m not feeling very festive, here it goes…have you ever heard of Mrs. Santa Claus? If you haven’t, don’t feel bad–somehow this movie seems to be overlooked by most. It’s a 1996 made-for-television masterpiece and, in my humble opinion, no holiday season is complete without watching it at least once.
I wouldn’t go so far as to call Mrs. Santa Claus a ‘woke’ Christmas movie, but feminism is absolutely central to the plot; so, too, are womens’ suffrage, issues of child labor, workers’ rights, and cultural acceptance in the melting pot that was New York City in the early 1900s. It’s heavy stuff for a Christmas movie, but these big issues are waltzed around deftly, keeping the story not only palatable, but fun and festive. Did I mention that it’s a musical? I mean a real musical–in the classic sense of the term. As if this movie couldn’t get better, its music was written by Jerry Herman, known for his work on Hello, Dolly!, Mame, and La Cage aux Folles. So, you know, basically musical theatre royalty birthed this Christmas classic. Oh, by the way–I left out one minor detail–it stars Angela Lansbury, god rest the angel soul of everyone’s favorite singing teapot/amateur detective. In my mind, she is forever the face that I see when picturing Santa’s wifey in my mind’s eye: she’s that iconic in this role. She is Mrs. Santa Claus.
With that brief glimpse of what the movie Mrs. Santa Claus is, I’m almost certain I’ve already sold you on watching it this holiday season. (And, if I haven’t, perhaps it’s you and not I who is the true Grinch.) That means the only question left is what to pair with your annual screening of Mrs. Santa Claus. The question is simple; I have no smart or witty way of phrasing it, but stick with me anyway, please. The answer is less simple, because there are so many divine possibilities. So, we’ll break it down to three possible scenarios: are you watching morning, noon, or night?
If you decide to rise, shine, and settle in for a showing of Mrs. Santa Claus, there’s only one right way to start the day: bagels and wine. Turn of the century New York City’s lower east side was flooded with immigrants selling foods that were familiar to them and held some sort of cultural importance. This birthed bagel carts–and you’ll see your fair share depicted in this movie. If you aren’t craving a bagel when you start watching, you’ll probably be jonesing for one by the end. So, if you’re doing an early bird viewing of Mrs. Santa Claus, do yourself a favor by pairing your watching with a bagel and wine. I’m going to recommend a bagel (probably everything or poppyseed) with lox, onions, capers, cream cheese schmear and a nice glass of champagne. Since lox made its way to New York City thanks to Jewish immigrants, this is an ideal pairing for Mrs. Santa Claus. A glass of bubbly helps to cut through the fattiness of the smoked salmon while also chilling out the salty bite of the capers. Mrs. Lowenstein would be proud–such a smart pairing! And delicious, too!
If you’re more of an afternoon watcher, why not pair two things that seemingly don’t go together at all? Like an onion roll at a Mayfair tea, a march by Sousa in a minor key, a Christmas movie viewing at lunchtime, or a stable boy and a suffragette–sometimes it’s the two things that you don’t expect to go together at all that actually make the absolute best pairing. How about a pastrami sandwich and a Chilean Carménère? I’m borrowing this suggestion from the brilliant book Big Macs and Burgundy. Authors Vanessa Price and Adam Laukhuf recommend pairing a Katz’s Deli (a New York institution and right of passage for anyone passing through the city) pastrami sandwich with a Chilean Carménère. This grape varietal originated in the Bordeaux region of France, but has fallen out of popularity there. The small amount still grown there is generally only used for blending. However, Chile co-opted this grape–mostly by mistake: they thought they were growing Merlot, but through DNA testing learned it was Carménère! Through that happy accident, they have crafted a bold red wine that perfectly compliments Katz’s pastrami. What do Chilean wine and a classic Jewish deli sandwich have in common? Nothing, really. Still, it’s a geshmack pairing, if ever there was one!
If your ideal viewing time is at day’s end when the house is all dark aside from the TV screen’s glow and the warm light of the Christmas tree, there’s only one right answer for what you should be noshing and sipping with Mrs. Santa Claus: red wine hot chocolate and homemade christmas cookies! If the thought of pairing red wine and chocolate icks you out, all I can really say is don’t yuck it until you’ve tried it. Chocolate and wine go great together: that’s why people give both as valentines presents. Plus, I make a pretty divine red wine chocolate cake. To make your beverage, I’d suggest not starting with a wine that’s overly sweet. This drink is all about balance; and if you start with a sweet wine, it’ll be difficult to create that perfect balance. Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon, Dolcetto, or Shiraz are all acceptable. Your ratios should be identical for milk and chocolate pieces, and then double that for wine. So, for example, a single serving drink might be 4oz of wine, 2oz milk (plant based works perfectly well here!), and 2oz of chocolate broken or chopped into small bits. You’ll heat the milk and wine on the stove over very low heat, as we want to avoid burning off the alcohol in the wine. Once warm, you’ll add your chocolate and stir to melt the luscious chocolatey goodness into your warm wine/milk mixture. Add sugar and cinnamon to taste and, Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got a very festive drink to enjoy while watching Mrs. Santa Claus. And if there’s one thing that Santa’s taught us all, it’s that you can’t be sad while drinking hot cocoa–that is, unless your wife has borrowed your sleigh and reindeer, gone off on a joyride around the world without leaving so much as a note, and has since been missing for days. But hey, maybe if Santa had wine in his cocoa, he might have been happy anyway. Who’s to say?
Happy holidays to you and yours. Wishing you a merry and a bright, kiddo!
Plonk & Pleasure 
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